But All I Feel Is Alone
by AiriKatsu
Summary: #5 of WWII One-shots: He's supposed to get the 'girl'; end up with a 'happily ever after'. He IS the hero after all! So how did he end up being the only one alone? Maybe it's time for him to come to terms with a few things... America/Japan or A/K
1. To Make It Feel Like Home

But All I Feel is Alone

Okay, last one… I don't know what I'm going to do with myself when I finish this… I guess I'll have to think up something new…

Here goes nothing, people liked the first three, and I'm not sure how the fourth one will be accepted because it is a lot different than what I'm used to. It was kind of choppy… I'm hoping that this one is a little less so. It's just that the Cold War was so LONG and I wish I could SKIP IT. Alas, it's kinda what the last two oneshots are about. I hope this one flows better…

Then I decided that this one should be LIGHTER than the hurt/comfort RussiaxChina one. Instead I'm going to stick to my original idea of America wondering if he needs to start fresh and learn to live his life properly. So he starts on a 'retribution' trend and tries to apologize to Japan.

xXx

Fandom: Axis Powers Hetalia  
Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN OR PROFIT FROM HETALIA, THIS IS PURELY FANMADE FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES  
Genre: Romance/Drama  
Pairings: Alfred/Kiku  
Rating: M for Mature  
Warning: Smut and romance, human names, different languages, references to the second world war.

One-shot Collection:

The Waking Up is the Hardest Part- Germany/N. Italy

Not the Storm Before the Calm- France/England

Crawling Towards the Pillowcase- Cuba/Canada

The Air You Took and the Breath You Left- Russia/China

**But All I Feel is Alone- America/Japan **

xXx

_But All I Feel is Alone- America/Japan__ (Alfred/Kiku)_

XxX

"You heard me…" Grumbled England; his arms crossed uncomfortably across his chest and his eyes downcast.

He was obviously trying not to make eye contact with Alfred, who was staring at him incredulously. As they stood there in stunned silence the American couldn't help but notice the older nation's cheeks adorning a gentle blush. Sometimes Arthur could act so shy and uncertain of himself; things like hiding his embarrassment behind his hand. Something he was sure only a few select people got to see; Francis, apparently, being the main one.

The younger nation wasn't too sure how he felt about all this. He had been so used to the two of them fighting, with their coiling sexual tension, and he assumed they would slow dance around each other for the rest of eternity. The idea of France and England, of two such polar opposites, trying to put everything aside and start to build something was as much of an eye-opener as it was a shock.

He was just a bit jealous, not of the relationship, but of the concept of having someone you could trust with your whole self. He was envious to the fact that the romantic nation had seen all these things about Arthur that he could never even conceive. They knew each other; their imperfections and their good points. Alfred knew deep down that they _could_ turn out alright and balance each other out perfectly if they worked at it.

And here he was, realizing that he suddenly felt very alone and suddenly upset about that fact. It appeared to have snuck up on him without his knowing.

"Bloody git, would you say something already?" The frown that was permanently etched between those two fuzzy eyebrows was different this time. It was begging with him to accept the idea, and even though he felt left out of the loop, Alfred felt proud that his opinion meant this much to the elder blonde.

"Congrats." He stuffed his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels with an easy-going smile. He wouldn't ruin this moment by feeling sorry for himself; that he didn't have anyone to share everything with like Francis and Arthur now did.

England visibly relaxed, falling out of his tense stance and into a more comfortable one. He even smiled a little and thanked Alfred for understanding. He probably knew it must be hard for him to take in, so he patted him on the shoulder and told him he'd visit later. He probably had to go tell Francis that the American hadn't blown an aneurysm. Still shocked, the younger blonde followed him to the door and said goodbye on auto-pilot.

Was everyone with someone except for _him_? He was the hero! He should be the one starting a life together with someone, giggling into the phone, and making stupid inside jokes! When had this all happened? Crossing his arms and slumping back into his chair again, Alfred blew his bangs out of his face irritably. First Germany and Italy, then France and England, and now even Canada had been rumored to be dating someone? Had he missed a memo somewhere?

That was when the knock came. And had he known what was going to happen, he would have stayed glued to the chair. Not opening the door and coming face to face with Ivan Braginski, his telltale smile, and water pipe slung over his shoulder casually.

X a Week Later X

It's a 47' Cadillac; not the flashiest car like he normally drove around in, but it did the job. Right now all he needed was a set of wheels that would take him away from where he was. He wasn't sure where he was going, but he knew he could end up down any highway in the Unites States. For once he didn't have a destination, he just needed to keep driving.

Maybe then he would understand just what the fuck he thought he was doing when he slept with Ivan Braginski. Why he felt like it would make his irrational loneliness feel better. Hell, maybe he'd pit-stop at every damn doctor across America to see if he had some sort of mental disability that causes momentary acts of insanity and lapses in judgment.

Just when did a heated argument turn into sex, anyways? Was it even sanely possible?

He should have let Ivan rot in the war…

He felt his mood darken, because thinking of the war brought up bad, repressed memories to do with Japan. Kiku most certainly didn't need to be in a coma right now, he wish he could have found a better way. Yet the other half of him yelled in response; they wouldn't surrender no matter what he did, what was he supposed to do?

He sighed heavily and hit his forehead against the steering wheel, waiting for the light to turn green. There he went again; making excuses where there really wasn't any. It was the endless debate; peace vs. war, talking vs. fighting, and he had chosen the latter of both options. He could sit here and yell at himself then rebuttal the argument all he wanted but it wouldn't fix anything or erase what had happened.

Kiku maybe wasn't as close as many, but he _had_ considered him a friend. The reason why he had agreed to drop the bombs was because he knew of all the things China had told him; he had seen that scar. Maybe if he could have talked to him instead of being fueled by indignation then…

He really was getting nowhere, and he looked up to notice the red light had been green for quite some time. He checked his rearview mirror worriedly and was surprised to find he was alone on the highway. He gently eased off the break and onto the gas; thoughts whirling again.

Who knew where to start with Russia, the damn communist bastard sat placidly by during the first few hundred years and then pulled this other freaking persona out of nowhere! What the hell was his problem? You didn't just barge into someone's home and begin throwing threats around! He was the damn Unites States of America!

The fact that he had retaliated with threats of his own was a _minor detail_.

All this running around in circles was going to drive him kookier than ever. He leaned back in the seat and let out a pent up breath. It figured that he only had a couple days to sort himself out before he had to go to that damn world meeting. All he'd do is sit there and listen to everyone fight over whose fault the war was and how they were going to pay for it all. The only person who hadn't been completely devastated, and who actually participated, was Michael…

…Marty? …Mitchell?

Whatever, it didn't matter. Canada's economy was booming, his neighbor to the north had all the luck; at least no one tried to pick fights with Matt...

MATTHEW; that was it! He slammed his hands on the wheel and grinned in triumph.

Just as he almost back-ended a car; swearing he swerved around into the other lane, narrowly missing the oncoming traffic. He cranked the wheel back into his own side and then expelled his breath. So maybe he shouldn't try pressing his luck like that. Perhaps it was a smarter idea to stop the car and think. Where would he stop though? Things like these needed to be considered. He didn't want to have his epiphany moment in a corner store. He should go somewhere that was mentally stimulating…

X

It must be karma. He had never believed in the stuff, but if he ever had to give a perfect example of it, he would bring up this exact moment. Especially since his 'mentally stimulating spot' ended up being the Tokyo airport, where everyone was looking at him incredulously. He was surprised no one had taken out a gun and just shot him out of disbelief at his audacity in showing up here.

In all of his thinking back home, the one thing he had concluded was the need to see the damage he had done to Kiku. Maybe then he could start looking for answers.

He began to walk, and after an hour of mindlessly wandering around he decided he would brush out the old Japanese and find out where the hospital was. He found a gentle-looking older woman and politely asked her 'where is the hospital?'. She stared at him for a moment, and then began speaking rapidly; so fast, in fact, that he could barely decipher a word. He asked again and noticed how frustrated she looked. He wondered if she had just insulted him, or given detailed instructions that he had just missed.

Finally she pointed down the street and then put up two fingers, he relayed back that she was telling him 'two streets down', she nodded and then gestured a turn with her left hand. He asked her if she meant 'left' and she bounced her head again. He waited for a moment longer only to realize that was the end of her instructions, she shooed him on and he bowed quickly before turning and running down the street she had pointed to.

Little, old ladies- the same in every country.

Turning left he noticed a rather large building that most certainly looked like it could be one, with a tired, but triumphant, smile he walked in through the double doors. Surprised, he found that he wasn't immediately stopped, albeit he was getting very odd looks. All around him were poker-straight haired people, all with almond eyes staring him down. He ducked his blonde head and almost felt the need to cover it, before rushing over to what appeared to be the front desk. He didn't read, but at least he could speak a bit.

After fighting with the nurse at the front desk for a few minutes, whipping out the rusty Japanese he knew and probably butchering it so much that it would make any Japanese native angry, she agreed to take him to Kiku's room. He had to promise he would only be ten minutes, and she stared at him suspiciously as she led him there.

She led him towards the very end of the hall, where the stairs were and then pushed them open. They climbed countless stairs before they appeared before a door, the next floor was very quiet and he felt like his footsteps were like warning bells. He felt like the trek took them forever before she looked around and then gestured towards a room.

He looked inside the room tentatively, and when he turned around she was gone. With one brave intake of breath he ventured further, closing the door behind him and walking between the crack in the curtain. Sure enough, there lay Kiku. His breathing was labored, face covered with sweat, and his chest swathed in bandages, probably all from him. His stomach dropped unpleasantly as he shifted closer, finally slowly resting his heads on the foot board in fear that it would come alive and yell at him. He chewed over what he wanted to say, and then decided he may as well start talking because all this thinking was getting him nothing.

"I'm not sorry…" Oh, great first words there brain. "About ending the war that is… I just… I wish it hadn't come to this, you know?" Of course he didn't know; he was unconscious.

"I mean, after all those things you did… To China, and me, and even Arthur… I just I couldn't believe you could do things like that." He realized he wasn't any better in comparison and scoffed, looking down. "Hell, that _I_ could do things like _this_… I guess we are the same, then…" He collapsed onto the side of the bed, before having a tense moment where he wondered if he had hurt the older nation further.

"Sorry!" He deflated slightly when all he got was another rise and fall of that bandaged chest. "Augh, I'm not even sure what I'm even doing here. I can't believe we've all fallen this far. I can't believe any of us could have done any of those things… We all used to be so _close_, and it seems like the closer us countries get the further our own people push us away…" He threw up his hands in aggravation, his tone rose a bit before he bit it back down.

He turned and looked at the other man who could do nothing but listen to him rant. How he missed those diplomatic visits where the two of them would compare culture. He kind of enjoyed the quiet persona of the other nation. He was a nice change from the other people he was close with. Besides that, he had always thought the smaller nation was kinda pretty; with his soft black hair and his fair skin. It was almost unbelievable that those gentle amber eyes behind thick eyelashes were capable of a cruel glint.

He let his elbows rest on his knees and let the wall of blonde hair shield him. "I think something happened between me and Russia too… Not that you would care if you were awake- it's kind of understandable that you hate me- but I just wanted to tell someone. I don't deserve your undivided attention, but… We fought, and then… _Things_ happened." He grimaced at the mere thought of the activities, still unable to believe that they had actually transpired. "I don't know why, I actually went on this trip to try and figure that out… Now I'm not so sure I want to…"

They stayed there in silence, America was trying to figure himself out and Japan was still in a deep sleep. It was not like it would have changed if Kiku was awake. He'd probably just ignore him and continue on like he hadn't spoken at all. He could only wait to see what Japan's reaction to him would be. If they were in front of everybody probably very cold and polite, but once they were behind closed doors he could see the Japanese man trying to stab him and make it seem like an accident…

"Either way, you probably don't want to hear all this… I guess I'll talk to you once you've recovered. If you want to even see my face…"

With that, he could feel that there was finality to their little 'meeting' and marched out of the hospital and to the airport. May as well get to Germany, where the world meeting was, and stay there until the gathering happened.

X

Alfred found himself unable to go visit the Asian again. Instead he was dropped right in the middle of the Cold War, reeling from how quickly things seemed to escalate. Somewhere along the way that little bit of rage he had felt towards the Russian had been blown into full-out contempt. He wasn't sure where or when the static had begun to build, but it seemed that all around him the whole country was on the edge of a breathless suspense.

He had all but forgotten about his guilt towards the lithe nation until one world meeting when he had walked in to see the stoic nation sitting there waiting for the others to arrive. He had Feliciano chirping adamantly at his side, and Ludwig on his other, jumping in every once and a while with an explanation.

He couldn't help but notice the bandages were still very visible, peeking above his crisp uniform top. The United States felt an unpleasant twist flip his gut around. When it settled, Japan finally looked up at him. The atmosphere froze with the blank look he was given, but he knew the raven-haired man was probably thinking of various things he could be using to torture him with.

Why hadn't he been informed of Kiku's recovery?

But before he could go over and even begin a greeting the rest of the room filled up and soon the monologues began. As he spoke he could feel those piercing black eyes on him, staring right through his skull and into the wall behind him. Even as he went forward to sign the document ensuring all troops retreat from other nations, he could feel the shiver of cold orbs watching his every move. He felt unnerved, but he knew he should have expected this sooner or later.

He _HAD _kind of decimated two major cities…

It would be the right thing to do- to go up to him after and talk- at least they could both have some piece of mind, right? So he ventured over to where the smaller nation was packing his notes up and waited out of his personal space until he looked up and addressed him. Finally after meticulously placing everything into a crisp black briefcase, the orient turned towards him expectantly.

"Yes, America-san?" His voice was low and clipped, which matched his rigid stance perfectly.

"Hey, uh, Japan…" Well this was rather dumb; what dialogue had he prepared for this? It wasn't like he could ask him about the weather! Trying to fill the silence he quickly blurted something out. "How are you?"

Looking like he was actually kind of startled that America had the audacity to ask him such a thing, Kiku pursed his lips and then pushed in his chair to not have to make eye contact as he replied. "I am surviving; my people will recover."

The blonde flinched at the direct answer, hoping they could eventually _lead into_ that touchy subject. Then again, he had never known Japan to dance around a topic; all of the Asians seemed to be like that. Instead he switched gears, walking with the shorter country as he continued on his way out of the meeting hall.

"I kind of wanted to talk to you about that-" He ventured further, trying to get in front of Kiku and stop him from briskly marching away. The guy was fast, that was for sure.

"-about what, America-san?" Kiku pulled the breaks on abruptly and spun around on the pursuing nation. "About the fact that you dropped two nuclear weapons on my people? That you shattered the lives of thousands of people? That even now the cancerous effects are still spreading like wildfire? That I attacked one small port of yours and you destroyed a third of my country?"

With each point, the little nation before him became all the more intimidating. His voice was like poison, and for a solid minute after he was almost afraid to speak due to the mere force he felt from the words. The guilt he felt was now starting to spread from his heart all the way down through his intestines. All the words struck a chord that he had been hiding away from for about a decade since Japan had surrendered.

He opened his mouth to speak, to offer some sort of explanation, but nothing seemed to appear on his tongue. He closed his gaping mouth and swallowed thickly, trying to take a moment to calm himself and then answer rationally. It wasn't his strong suit, but this was a delicate subject. Then again, he switched tactics, two could play this game. He regained his wits about him and pushed his regret into a far place to deal with after. Kiku sure as hell wasn't getting off scotch free!

"Well, you wouldn't give up! I didn't want to do it but you were acting _strange_! First you devastated China-" He must have hit an incredibly sore, deep, dark, spot there that was way below the belt, but he pressed on. "Then you kept on killing all your prisoners, and yeah you attacked my port! What was I supposed to do?" He threw up his hands, feeling his voice gradually increase in volume. It now sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince Japan.

"-I couldn't believe you would do those things. Yeah, I heard some of the stuff from China but I was always thinking you could never do shit like that. Then everyone started talking, and your troops were so damn persistent and…"

"America-san…" Japan's voice picked up where he trailed off, and he could tell that from the moment he said the name 'China' he had opened a floodgate of nasty repressed feelings.

Now it was like the raven-haired man was just wishing he hadn't reciprocated the conversation at all. He looked off to the side, and tried to hide his eyes behind the short silk strands. So Japan had some regret in him too, huh? He was probably just now realizing the devastation that he had caused. As he went through his inner conflict, America calmed his racing heart and simultaneously came to the conclusion that remorse looked horrible on Japan. It wasn't like they had all up and decided they would do such horrible things to each other. Kiku probably had just as much pressure from his boss to attack Pearl Harbor as the U.S president had on dropping those bombs.

"Listen, Japan, I guess we both did things we aren't proud of…" Still without a response Alfred sighed and leaned against the wall behind him, letting his head make a dull 'thunk' as it made contact. It didn't hurt; it just reminded him of how tired he was.

They stayed like that, America's mind had wondered back to the time when he had seen Kiku lying in that hospital bed and wishing that they were in a time where they were sharing culture instead of angry words. Japan was probably being eaten alive by what he did to Yao, but America knew that was not a topic to even acknowledge at this point. There was no way the island country could even begin to fix the damage he had done.

Feeling antsy from the awkward silence he leant forward and caught the Asian nation's attention.

"So, uh, made any good movies lately?"

Japan _almost_ made a scoffing sound, and was now staring at him like he had just asked him for sex after such a tense moment. It was almost unfathomable to start talking about cinema when so many other things needed to be attended to. Some things were more _important_ than a good show. And there was no way to get out of a question like this. His pride as a nation couldn't say no just to get America to leave him alone. He _had_ come out with something new, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to share it just yet, but...

"Yes, we just finished one that was well received…" It was ironic to be talking about America's favorite topic when they had just been angry at each other, but he was getting tired of being upset at himself. He had the last year to thank for that.

"Oh, really! What is it called?" The blonde leaned in expectantly.

"Gojira… It's a… Science fiction by your standards…" Kiku tried to give a brief overview of the movie, how the sea monster first terrorized a small island and then went on to almost destroy Tokyo city. He also touched briefly on the underlying story with the humans.

"Wow! I want to see it!" The earnest tone of his response; how he didn't sound the least bit sarcastic, made the next words just fall out of the older nation's mouth.

"Perhaps you can come over and watch it sometime…"

X

A couple months later, Alfred was nursing a giant headache with Russia written all over it. He was looking for any and all distractions to get his mind out of the slump it was in. By chance he had been walking down the street and saw an old 47' Cadillac and was reminded of the day when he driven around and ended up in Japan. Which brought him back to the last conversation that had transpired, and just to ensure himself that he had managed to keep his spontaneous tendencies, he picked up the phone.

When the other end of the phone answered he tried to sound as neutral as possible when he asked. "So, that invitation to watch Godzilla still open?"

If Japan were the type, he would be kicking himself in the ass for saying yes to the American. He had just been so shocked by the question that he had unintentionally agreed for the blonde to come and watch the movie. He should be fuming at Alfred for all the things he had done during and after the war. The problem was that he was just so exhausted from the guilt-trip and the blame-game that he would have accepted any invitation to get his mind off of it. Even if the person had ended up being a cocky, loud, trouble-making American who was causing a whole lot of mess for the rest of the world with his arms race.

No matter how many times he had picked up the phone to cancel the visit he just couldn't seem to dial the number and do so. The week of waiting turned into the day before, and then he was finally standing at the airport trying not to think of all the reasons he shouldn't be there.

Before Kiku could doom the trip as a failure something happened. Just as Alfred went to bow, Kiku went to hold out his hand. They both shared a smile at the little incident, the smaller country wondering how it was so easy to forget the bad history between them.

America really enjoyed Godzilla, and even asked for a tape of it so he could bring it back to the U.S. They talked about it for hours afterwards, and Japan felt more alive than he had in years. They discussed dubbing over the film, as it would take less time, and Japan showed him the anime and how they hired voice actors to record over the animation. So many things had happened since before the war began, and Alfred found himself in awe of all these things he had never known about. At the end they stood facing each other at the airport, saying goodbye and wishing the other well. In all, the visit was a success.

And every time they needed a break, it became easier and easier to pick up the phone and call the other. Japan felt disgusted with how one simple movie-visit had turned their friendship around, but he felt relieved to have a friend in the blonde again. Perhaps he could take some time off feeling bad for himself and just relish in the joys of having a companion to share things with. It seemed like centuries since anyone had actually sat down to talk to him about simple things instead of war tactics.

He wondered what Ludwig and Feliciano could possibly talk about now that the war was over, but they were still sickeningly happy together, so he could only assume they had found something.

x

"-And it's like I suddenly feel so _alone,_ you know?"

Two years later found Japan and America in New Jersey watching one of the first baseball games of the season. With America admitting just how much the whole 'I'm the only one without a lover' thing was eating away at him. At least it was half-time when America had finally burst from withholding the feelings he had been trying to fight down ever since England had told him the news. He didn't know why he felt the need to spill his emotions of utter neglect to the Asian, but now it was like he couldn't stop his mouth from moving. It had all started off so innocently, but once he caught sight of a couple a few seat over holding hands it had reached its peak. Getting the conversation going had been easy enough, asking how Japan had taken the news about Germany and Italy, and once Japan half-lied that he was happy for them he spent the next twenty minutes listening to Alfred rant.

The black-haired nation seemed to be mulling over his answer carefully. Alfred immediately felt horrible and just a little horrified that he had just told Japan all this without warning. He shouldn't have said anything; it wasn't like Japan had come all the way to America (even if he had paid for the flight) on such short notice to hear the blonde bitch. The older nation looked down at his paper cup with COCA-COLA written on it in big red letters.

"I can understand how you feel." He answered honestly, his eyes dulling in sadness as he focused on nothing. "I felt the same way when I heard about…" He trailed off and sighed heavily, swirling the drink.

America leaned in so he could speak more privately; even though the crowd was loud he could still hear him perfectly. Things were starting to get personal and he supposed the smaller nation probably didn't want everyone to overhear them. He was also trying to hide the relief he felt when he realized the Orient wasn't just going to snuff him out and leave in disgust.

"About who…?" He asked even though he already knew one of the people Kiku was talking about.

Kiku nervously bit his lip, which surprised Alfred because he wasn't used to seeing such a display of emotion, and then turned his upper body towards the blonde. It was as if he was saying 'okay, things are getting serious here'. He placed his hands neatly in his lap and made direct eye contact as he spoke. It probably unnerved others, but he found himself respecting the gesture; it was like they were on equal playing fields.

"China and Russia." He explained, still unable to say Yao's name. He didn't even notice America's eyes bug out of his head at the information, and instead focused on voicing his own thoughts. "I feel like I ruined it somehow…" He confided softly, "before the war I don't think I had ever seen C- _him_ act like that." He took a thoughtful sip of the pop to collect his thoughts before he continued on. "Now he's like this shell that walks around and does what they _know_ they should be doing but there is no heart in _doing_ it."

He _almost_ slumped his shoulders from the weight that thought had on him, and it was then that he noticed America had frozen into his spot; a cold sweat beginning to grow on the back of his neck.

"Hold the phone, do you mean to tell me that Russia and China were… sleeping together before the war even began? Does anyone else know about this?" One simple shake of Japan's head and Alfred suddenly understood why Yao was treating him like he was the scum of the earth. He had always just assumed that it was because of what had happened between him and his 'brother'. Not because his family had betrayed him AND he had lost the person he loved.

He suddenly had the urge to hug the long-haired man the next time he saw him.

"Wow." Was all the United States had to say on the matter until after a long, pregnant pause where they both busied themselves with their drinks to drown out the awkwardness of it all. "I think China would kill me if he knew."

"About you sleeping with Russia? I think it would just hurt him more, if anything." Japan didn't miss a beat of what the blonde had meant. Oblivious to how America looked like he'd seen a ghost, Kiku focused on watching the players jog back onto the field and begin practicing for the fifth inning.

"How did you-… Wait, you could HEAR ME?" He cried out, grabbing Japan and turning his shoulders so he could look at him.

Unnerved at the sudden closeness and loud, attention-grabbing exclamation, he leaned away and frowned slightly. "I was _unconscious_, not _deaf_. I heard everything. I just couldn't respond." He looked to the side, as if remembering something, then muttered just loud enough for the other to hear. "I guess we really are the same, in a way…"

Floored at all the sudden revelations, he sat in awe of the second half of the game. Till this day unable to tell anyone who had won. He was too wrapped up in all the things he had just discovered, and trying to piece together what he wanted to do with them. After the game they walked back to where he was staying, and he invited him to stay over so he didn't have to pay for a hotel or anything.

When the smaller man had finally agreed, they found themselves sharing a drink and continuing on with the conversation. It felt strange to be confiding so much in someone who he had been so awkward with just a few years ago, but now it felt like they were dear, old friends. It was strangely easy to tell Kiku everything; it also wasn't like the lithe man had anyone to exclaim it to either. They had some comfort knowing they felt the same way.

After they had fallen into yet another silence, albeit this one much more comfortable, America took a sidelong glance at Japan. He couldn't help admire the beauty of some of the Asian countries. Their thick eyelashes, almond eyes, fair skin, and petite bodies were envies of many. He blamed the alcohol for the thought, and his conscience for not voicing it.

"America-san, may I tell you something you must never tell any of my people?"

Caught off guard, all he could do was nod and wait for the next onslaught of emotional enlightening.

"I…" He was pulling the right words together, "I wish that things had not played out like they did." Alfred could deduce they were talking about the bombings and gestured for the other to carry on. "However, I think that I needed something like that to stop me from eventually killing myself." He nervously played with the sleeves of his shirt as he continued, suddenly unable to meet those blue orbs. "If you wouldn't have stopped me, I don't know if I would still be human…"

"After all the things I did to Y-…China, what I did to you, and even what I ended up saying to Feliciano-kun." He shook his head to rid himself of the memories. "I don't know if I could have carried on like that and came out of it with a soul…" He stared at America seriously, and the blonde swallowed thickly at the look in those eyes. "I am not thanking you for what happened, but I think I can no longer hate you for it. Perhaps this is the alcohol talking-" They both looked down at the bottle in his hands and started counting. Oh, right, three beers later… "-but I feel as though we are somehow friends now, and you will not take that as anything more than what it is… I know that this scar on my chest is equal to the damage that China received on his back… My debt in pain is repaid, even if it was not by his hand."

Your old, run-of-the-mill, soul-searching bar conversations.

Alfred swirled the beer around in the glass, fishing around for either a response to make Japan feel better, or a merrier topic. So far he had nothing, and it seemed that in his silence the raven-haired nation felt the need to fill the void. Surprising, since he had never expected him to be this talkative.

"I know this sounds insane…" Alfred took a swing of his beer, waiting for Japan to continue. "But, after you told me you felt alone I was sure you were going to try and jump me when we got back here."

The blonde sputtered unintelligently and succeeded in choking on the drink he had just swallowed. He covered his mouth and felt like a cat would when they were hacking up a fur-ball. After a few minutes of deep-breathing interlaced with hoarse coughs he finally calmed down enough to think. The first thing he did was put down the traitorous beer and resolved not to drink for the rest of the night.

Of all the things to say, he had expected that one the least. He stared at him wide-eyed. Yet Japan still sat there, eyeing him warily, like he was still waiting for the American to push him over and crawl on top of him. Sure he had always kind of considered the Asian cute, but _that_ was not something he normally did. The only people he had slept with without thinking were randoms at bars who didn't know who he was and were too drunk to care. At that point he was normally in the same boat anyways.

"Okay," his voice was hoarse, and he cleared his throat awkwardly. Kiku just sat there and waited patiently, like he hadn't just almost made Alfred die from asphyxiation. Maybe that was his secret plan. "I still thought you were going to pull out a knife from no-where and stab me until four minutes ago!."

The dark haired man furrowed his eyebrows together ever so slightly as he processed the words carefully, finally he deduced something completely opposite to what the blonde had intended. "So you were waiting for me to say I was no longer mad?"

Alfred actually fell off the couch.

"Are you seriously-… Wait… What would you have done HAD I done that?" Was Kiku looking for something by saying all of this? Rather obviously the American hadn't done anything to him, and they were already half-drunk and exhausted. If he had wanted something to happen he would have tried by now.

Sometimes, to this day, he wonders if getting answers from Kiku is _really_ what he wants to hear…

"I have been wondering that myself for quite some time…" He tilted his head, as if really considering it. This made the blue-eyed nation worry if maybe the lithe nation beside him had assumed these ill intentions from the beginning of their little friendship, or perhaps had been hoping for them.

A couple times he had found himself admiring Kiku as they grew closer, but he had always taken a step back and decided he would not ruin the one relationship he had managed to fix since after the war. Things had always been up in the air, and it was only the last couple times when they had done anything in the serious-talking department. His thoughts had stayed purely PG too, nothing aside from being amazed at how soft his skin looked, and how delicate he appeared to be despite knowing he could take down even the stronger countries.

Dreams didn't count.

They were subconscious.

He couldn't actively _stop_ them.

"At this point I probably would have let you and blamed it on the amount of alcohol I have consumed later." Added the Japanese nation off-handedly. "After all, these outings could be considered 'dates' to many."

Oh. My. _God-Almighty!_

This would be where the smoke began emitting from a normal person's ears as they tried to wrap their brains around the warped logic. If he could gather something from all this it was that Japan wanted, or wouldn't mind, sleeping with him. Also, that he had expected it from Alfred since the beginning and had just been waiting to see if it actually happened or not? Couldn't nations just be friends? Why did he end up being the one looking like a total whore out of this? He hadn't done anything that could even be considered seductive either!

It was because Francis helped raise him, _**wasn't it**_?

"Ki-… Japan… Listen, I actually hadn't even _really consciously _thought about doing that…" He leaned forward to give the impression of absolute honesty, still in disbelief that this was actually happening.

"I see."

Surprisingly, that was the end of the conversation. America spent a whole five minutes trying to decipher if Kiku had sounded disappointed or if it was just his normal monotone voice. Meanwhile Japan stayed perfectly stoic and sipped his beer. The next person to talk was the blonde, but it was more of an awkward question of if Japan would like to rest- in the other room- and then if he would like a toothbrush and some pajamas. Which the orient politely accepted without a word afterwards.

And every night until the next time they saw each other, America dreamt of what could have happened if he had played along and slept with Japan. Driving himself nearly insane with the re-occurring fantasy, and every morning waking up to march over to the phone and end up _not_ dialing the number.

If this was psychological warfare, it was WORKING. 

xXx

Second chapter is available immediately; I just cut it in half so I could give off the illusion that it is NOT 25 pages.

It is sad how long this ended up being… It's not even that great either…


	2. But All I Feel Is Alone

Had to split this up into TWO PARTS.

Well, they slowly got longer, I will admit it. Go figure that my fifth-favorite couple actually got the longest one-shot…

Oh well… Onwards.

xXx

_**And every night until the next time they saw each other, America dreamt of what could have happened if he had played along and slept with Japan. Driving himself nearly insane with the re-occurring fantasy, and every morning waking up to march over to the phone and end up **__**not**__** dialing the number.**_

_**If this was psychological warfare, it was WORKING.  
**_

He tried not to contact the smaller nation for quite some time, nearly four months when they finally made contact again. Just when Alfred realized he had read the same paragraph seven times and was about to throw the paperwork out the window, the phone rang in his office. He picked it up and sighed into the receiver. "Afred Jones speaking…"

"You sound tired." Kiku pointed out without so much as a proper greeting. "Are you free this weekend?"

Of course he was never free, but they had always cleared their schedules for each other before. The Blonde _considered_ avoiding him at all costs, but he really needed to get out of the office and resolve this stupidity between them. If he saw Japan and reassured himself that nothing was going to happen then maybe he'd stop thinking about that one night every second of every day. It had turned out to be a subliminal message. Before it hadn't even occurred to him to want to sleep with Kiku (well, that wasn't including random out-of-the-blue dreams, but now it was just silly), and he kind of missed skipping out on work and sneaking off to Japan.

It was almost unbelievable that they had been doing that for a few decades and neither of their bosses had caught on.

"Sure." He agreed tiredly, propping his elbow up on the desk and letting his hand fall into the awaiting palm. "My country or yours?" He began massaging his forehead to calm himself and reduce some of the stress that had etched its way between his eyebrows. He was beginning to feel more and more like Arthur every day.

"Mine, I want to show you something."

Why did that suddenly sound ominous?

Lately it was like all he ever did was hop on a plane or wait for it to land. Staring down at the ocean beneath him the next day, he wondered if one day this would cease to amaze him and it would be so routine that he no longer enjoyed it. However, when Tokyo came into view he felt the pleasant swirling in his stomach, he knew he would have at least a couple more years of the child-like wonder. Even the fact that Kiku still insisted on picking him up at the airport made him feel so different than he did when he had visited anyone else.

"Konnichi wa." He greeted pleasantly, feeling the words become more and more fluent on his tongue after so much use. He wondered now if Arthur lied when he said he didn't know French; he bet he could understand it fluently. Especially since they had known each other for centuries and Alfred had only just started learning the language. He could speak it well, and he had only started being close to Kiku in the last few decades before and after the war.

"Hello, Alfred."

The sound of his name caused him to freeze momentarily, and a shiver to run down his spine. It left his hair standing on its ends, and the swirling in his stomach to feel like he had just dropped from the top of a rollercoaster. The Japanese nation had done it on purpose- using his name like that. What ever happened to 'only family and lovers used first names?'… He felt realization dawn on him as he mindlessly followed the smaller nation.

Was he treating him like a lover? By using his name and holding on to the crook of his arm lightly as they wandered the streets to the general area of Kiku's home? Damn Japanese! Everything is so between-the-lines and sneaky!

Nervousness set in, and he was aware of how incredibly uncomfortable he felt now that the intention of the nation before him was spelt out so clearly. Kiku began offhandedly commenting on the dinner he wished to attend, and how he would appreciate it if _Alfred_ (Oh god, there it was again) came with him. The feast was in celebration of the weekend celebration. It was almost a cultural festival; one that was trying to get the spirits of the people back up again and bridging the gap between generations.

He explained it all to America, like he was somehow able to focus on anything but the fact that Kiku was using his _name_, proudly. Gesturing around to the preparations being made and telling him of all the things he wished him to see the next day. Finally Alfred was able to register something out of what Japan had said, and asked him why he had arrived a day earlier.

"You can settle in tonight." He replied in too cool of a voice, not really looking at him as he said it. "I wouldn't want you to be over-tired for the festivities."

"So, what are we doing for the rest of today then?" He blurted out, feeling foolish for saying it like that. He prayed that the strange behavior the Japanese man had been exhibiting was limited to simple words and actions, not innuendoes.

Much to his alarm, he saw the corners of those lips quirk up in a ghost of a smirk before it quickly vanished and Kiku looked up at him. He swallowed thickly as the hand hooked around his arm tightened ever so slightly and the other nation replied innocently.

"Perhaps we can talk?" Japan licked his lips and led them onto the regular path they took to get back to his estate. "I feel as though he have some things to discuss."

"Talking… right, yeah…" He replied nervously, letting the dark haired nation lead him like a lamb to the slaughter. He swallowed thickly and tried to will the dirty thoughts of Kiku in that yukata out of his mind. Japan made those clothes easily accessible just so it would haunt the American's dreams; he knew it!

He could just push him against a wall and run his hand up his thigh, making the robe pool around his waist then-

STOP IT! RED LIGHT! SHIT!

He smacked himself -hard- and began cursing in his head in every language he knew swears in. Meanwhile the lithe man was walking just a little further ahead to lead the way, and stayed completely oblivious in his stupid, annoying, _tempting_ yukata. He was unaware of the frazzled blonde's thoughts, and the fantasies that had plagued him since that one night and that one simple sentence.

Years later, an American comedian would call it the 'tic-tac comment'.

Well it was about to explode in the back of his brain if he didn't preoccupy himself with something else. So he started counting red yukata's, finding that by the time Japan had led him to his home he had seen a grand total of fifty-six. _Fifty-six_ freaking red yukatas and _sixty-seven_ places he could have pushed Kiku onto and ravished him.

Fuck.

"Alfred, are you uncomfortable?" A gentle hand rested on his shoulder and he almost lost it right there, in the front room. Kiku sounded concerned, and Alfred could sense just a hint of nervousness in his tone. He counted to ten and then cleared his throat to speak.

"Where did you want to talk…?" He kicked off his shoes as he changed the subject and put them into a neat order to preoccupy his attention.

There was a pause, a rustle of movement, and then the timid reply. "The east sitting room would be fine, I suppose." He could sense the smaller nation was fidgeting before he turned around and saw him picking at the sleeves of his yukata again.

East sitting room- directly across the hall from Kiku's bedroom.

Kiku led the way wordlessly when Alfred gestured for him to go ahead. The walk seemed too quick and yet incredibly slow at the same time. The blonde was trying to keep his rapidly beating heart from coming up through his throat and was staring everywhere but at Japan. They passed rooms and hallways that Alfred knew well from being there so often lately. He could have gotten to the destined room without the Japanese man's guidance, but this seemed more appropriate.

They sat down, side by side, on one of the couches that Japan had put there for company. They were close enough for their legs to just brush if either of them moved. He wasn't sure who did that; him or Japan.

"A-Alfred…" Mumbled Kiku, hesitantly once again playing with the unraveled strand on the one sleeve of his yukata. He was twirling his finger around the thread, trying to quickly rip it out without causing more damage. Alfred thought the gesture was a little odd, because normally Kiku would just fix the sleeve patiently with a thread and needle instead of a momentary fix like ripping off the fraying piece.

His patience grew paper-thin. "Japan, you're calling me by my first name." He realized after that he sounded almost angry about that and back-pedaled a bit as to not seem like he hated it. On the contrary; he really enjoyed hearing his name again, maybe not with the 'kun' at the end like before, but at least it was something aside from a clipped 'America-san'. "I… I thought that meant something… Here." He pointed to the ground vaguely, talking about the Japanese culture. In America you called pretty much everyone by their first name.

"It does." There was no mistaking the shaking in those words or the blush spreading across the pale man's face to his ears.

This must be some kind of seduction tactic, because Kiku couldn't actually be _shy_ about sleeping with him, could he? He had been the one to start this whole thing, and now he was stumbling over everything like an inexperienced school-girl? But the more that he stared at the island country the antsier he looked, and the more his words tripped and fell from his mouth hurriedly. He had never heard the older nation stutter before; he was normally so poised and calm.

The fact that he looked uncomfortable seemed to stir something within Alfred. Something that made him place a calming hand on Kiku's cheek and turn his head slowly. He wanted to reassure him that this was okay. He leaned in with enough time that Kiku could push him away or stop him, but instead the words just died on his lips and he sucked in a small breath before their lips met.

Alfred couldn't believe he had been so unsure about this. Thinking that they shouldn't push their friendship into anything else seemed like such a silly thought now that he was in this situation. It felt normal to be moving his mouth against the soft, pale lips of the smaller man. He pressed himself against him. The blonde angled his body so he was nearly on top of him; gently pushing Kiku further into the couch and so they weren't so uncomfortably positioned. He pulled at the black-haired nation's bottom lip with his teeth lightly, eliciting a soft gasp.

Just as he was deepening the kiss he felt the hands on his chest. He wasn't pulling him closer, or pushing him away. They were just resting there, and he was slowly starting to kiss him back, so that wasn't what worried him. It was the fact that they were shaking, curling in the fabric as an anchor instead of a fit of passion. It was almost like he wasn't sure what to do.

_No way_.

He pulled back abruptly, unable to properly savor the dazed look in those dark half-lidded eyes. "Ja-…Kiku, you… You want this… Right?" He wasn't sure how exactly to ask if the person he had just made out with was what he was thinking of. This way made it seem like a fair, easy question that wasn't insinuating anything.

"Yes." He breathed out, but even though his eyes were glazed over in the beginnings of passion, he still bit his lip and looked so damn unsure of himself. It was as adorable as it was unnerving.

"Are you…" He started recalling the bouncy little Italian telling him a story, when he had been captured and they were waiting for Germany to come save his useless ass, that he had hugged Japan. Apparently Japan had freaked out, saying it was his 'first time' and then made some comment about Italy 'taking responsibility' for it. _Surely_, he had thought, _they had been joking about it like friends among friends_.

Now he wasn't so sure, so he leaned back a bit further to give the other nation some room and finished his question. "Have you… slept with someone before?"

There was a brief pause where the question was processed and then the orient nation seemed to consider lying. Finally there was a sharp shake of his head and he looked down to hide his apparent shame.

"Oh…" He blinked multiple times, and the words sunk in deeply. "OH!" He nearly hopped off the other nation, his surprise quickly causing his body to act without his mind catching up. "I'm so sorry!" He sputtered out, stunned speechless for anything else to say that could soothe the conversation.

Kiku, however, simply tilted his head back and closed his eyes in aggravation. This was not where he had wanted this to go; he was hoping he could have made it a bit further without the blonde figuring it out. Now he was starting to realize how inexperienced and clumsy he felt. He hated feeling like he was inadequate. He felt defensive irritation kick in and he sat forward and wrapped his arms around himself to try and remain calm.

"Of all the things to apologize for, that's hardly one of them." He said quietly, trying to keep his voice even and void of any emotion that would betray him. The moment was long gone, and it left nothing but a dull void in its wake. Things had been going great too; Alfred made his head spin, and the kiss felt so good and secure. The mere thought of it made heat rush all across his body.

"I… I thought…" Stumbled the blonde, looking like he had just accidentally spilt hot coffee or something on Kiku instead of giving him his first kiss. "Oh god, I didn't know…"

Japan wanted to just run out of the room and tell Alfred to leave, because his shock was just making him feel even worse. He had been foolish to think that he could trick both the American and himself into thinking he knew what he was doing. He felt so weak, and he hated feeling that. Sometimes he had to just sit and marvel at the fact that only Alfred could make him feel it. No one else scared him, and not in the power sense of the word either.

"それは大丈夫で す." Kiku slipped back into his native tongue in his nervousness, before quickly translating it back into English, despite knowing Alfred could understand him. "It's okay." He ducked his head to hide his face. "I shouldn't have asked you to come…"

Alfred, currently going through all the nasty fantasies he'd been having and feeling bad about every single one, snapped out of it and stared at him incredulously. "Why?" He turned Kiku towards him and asked him earnestly. The other nation faltered and looked uncomfortable as he answered, trying to choose his words slowly.

"I assume you would rather not have to deal with the awkwardness of sleeping with a virgin. I just hoped you liked me enough to-"

"Wait! Hold the phone!" The blonde pressed his hand against Kiku's lips to stop his sentence. "あなたが大好き です." (I really like you) He said slowly, making sure the other nation heard every word. His honesty shocking the agile nation, since the first time he had mentioned them sleeping together Alfred had looked very unhappy with the idea. "Why wouldn't I want to sleep with you?"

"I…-"

"Can we try again?" Alfred didn't wait for him to answer, instead cutting him off earnestly and moving in a little closer, his hands still resting on Kiku's shoulders from when he turned him. He shifted again and made it so that they were both sitting facing each other on the couch, instead of him nearly on top of the other nation. That was way too much; it was too smothering for someone who hadn't done it before. "Just tell me if you want to stop; I swear I'll stop."

Confused by the sudden change in attitude Kiku didn't really know what to think. What he did know was that he really wanted this, and he really wanted America to do it. It wasn't because he knew the blonde had done this before, or because he admired his strength or looks. He just really trusted him, and as cliché as it sounded, he wanted the blonde because he cared about him. It appeared that his feelings were reciprocated, and with that in mind he leaned forward, made sure to tilt his head a bit, and pressed his lips against Alfred's.

The innocent kiss lasted briefly before Alfred shifted a little closer and cupped his jaw before kissing him again. He was moving languidly, a calm but still passionate pace. When Kiku became confident enough at kissing back he tentatively reached up and wrapped his arms around Alfred's neck, bringing them closer together.

Taking this as a good sign, the American deepened the kiss. He slid his tongue across Kiku's lips and slipped his tongue inside when they parted obediently. He touched his against Japan's before retracting it and trying again. Soon Japan was tonguing him back, his hands tangling in his hair in a strangely pleasant way. Meanwhile Japan was quickly becoming drunk on the fluttering feeling in his stomach and dizzied by kisses.

They broke apart for air and Alfred was finally able to see the effect he had on the smaller nation. He had never seen him look like this before with his skin flushed, lips pink, and eyes dazed over. He leaned forward and trailed small chaste kisses down his neck, careful not to move too quickly in fear of freaking out Japan. He knew he wouldn't break down THAT easily, but he had to keep in mind that this was still relatively new, and he really wanted this to be good for the black-haired nation.

The yukata stopped his progress down, and much to his surprise Kiku began to untie the sash around the middle so the robe would fall off his shoulders. It was still closed so that he was only blessed with creamy shoulders and the top part of his chest. He began to ravish the expanse presented to him, enjoying the sounds the raven-haired nation wasn't sure if he should let out or stop. He felt a hand curl against his back and realized he was still fully clothed.

Deciding that the smaller man would stop him if he went too far, he proceeded on confidently. Alfred shrugged the jacket off and began to run his hands down Kiku's back, successfully pulling the material off further and exposing two nipples. He latched onto one with his lips and felt Kiku arch up into the touch, a breathy moan escaping him when he did.

The sounds, he realized, had sent little shockwaves down _there_, and now he was becoming aware of how much they had affected him. A million thought's passed through his mind then, but one seemed to stand out as the most logical choice; relocation.

"Kiku." He moved away from his chest to stare into almond eyes, "we should go into your room."

Japan nodded, standing up unsteadily and grabbing Alfred's hand to lead him wordlessly across the hall. The whole situation seemed surreal, he felt like a teenaged boy would feel if they were sneaking into someone's house and their parents were due back any minute. His heart was pounding against his ribcage, and he nervously stumbled in the dark until they made it to the bed. Or rather, the futon on the floor.

He pulled Kiku down so he was lying on top of it as gently as possible, before leaning in and kissing him again. Since the smaller country eagerly kissed him back he figured things were going okay. He pulled back and pulled his t-shirt over his head, afterwards wondering if he should have waited until Kiku pulled it off. It was too late either way, so he proceeded along the pale chest where he left off, pulling the robe open further as he went down.

Finally he realized he was kissing down a rough patch of skin, and with dread gripping him he realized that, in the dim light, this was where he had bombed Japan. It was a huge star-shaped scar that was across his stomach and lower chest. He noticed Kiku had stilled slightly, but he could still hear his quick breathing, and the way it hitched every time he touched his skin.

"Alfred, please…" He put his hands on the blonde's shoulders, afraid that if he didn't do something to push him along that he would stop. They had been feeling guilt for far too long, he didn't want to feel that tonight.

He could feel fluttering across Japan's stomach when he slipped the sash from around his waist and threw it to the side somewhere. He undid the last remaining tie that was keeping him from his prize and pulled the yukata open, exposing the older country for his eyes only. He tried not to dwell on staring in lust too long, and moved to suck gently at his pelvic bones, that were just visible beneath a firm abdomen. He could only imagine what it would be like to be holding those hips and thrusting into the awaiting heat.

Reeling himself back in he realized he wasn't sure what Kiku wanted to do. He was hard, but he probably didn't want to do everything all at once, right?

He leaned back and stared into the face of his friend. "How far… did you want to go?" He asked awkwardly, feeling the nation beneath him shift uncomfortably.

"All the way." He responded softly, "I want you to…" He couldn't finish his sentence, feeling uneasy saying something so lewd. Alfred got the hint and nodded dumbly. After a moment of no movement, the black-haired nation reached down and pulled Alfred up so he could kiss him passionately. "Please," he murmured against his lips, "I want this."

"Okay… Do you have any lube or…?" This was so _strange_.

"Oh! Um, right." Kiku got up and wandered over to a small chest of drawers. He pulled something out of the top drawer and then retreated back to the futon. He sat down and handed Alfred, who had just taken off his glasses and put them aside, the little vial. They began feeling nervous when he popped the cap and a familiar fragrance filled the room.

"Massage oil? Good idea." Kiku nearly jumped on him, kissing him hard so he could hide his embarrassment.

Instead of lying back down the auburn-eyed country crawled on his lap and sat down with both legs on either side of him. He continued the desperate kiss, trying to forget what was about to happen. At least he knew the mechanics of it, and wasn't going to get a nasty surprise.

Coating his fingers in the oil he braced his one hand on Kiku's hip to warn him, and then slowly massaged the tight ring of muscle to relax it before slipping his finger in. Japan hissed against his mouth but renewed his efforts on this kiss to distract himself against the sudden invasion. He moved the finger around experimentally, knowing this was incredibly uncomfortable for Kiku. He pushed in a little further and curled his finger, looking for his prostate and praying to whatever god he believed in that he could make this as pleasurable as possible.

He advanced in further and suddenly Kiku threw his head back with a loud 'ah' and his hips twitched forward involuntarily. He pulled it out a bit and pushed back in, hitting the same spot again and feeling Kiku clutch at his shoulders and make the same sound, albeit a little quieter.

"There!" He gasped out, making a sound of discomfort when the other finger was added, but it dissolved back into moans when he kept pushing against the spot.

After using adding one more finger and making sure he was properly stretched he pulled out the oil again and went to pour some more but Kiku touched his hand. A wordless question; may I? The blonde handed over the oil unquestioningly and gasped when the fragrance wrapped around his cock, and Japan began coating it generously.

He felt so hard it was unbearable, and probably could have been gentler when he pressed Kiku onto the futon again and pushed his legs apart. He paused before the entrance and stared down at him. "Is this okay?"

It took a simple nod for him to bury himself inside the smaller nation to the hilt, feeling the desire to come just from getting inside. He tried to calm his breathing and waited, knowing that the black-haired nation probably needed some time to adjust. For a quiet minute he let those slender fingers dig into his shoulders in pain, but then they loosened and he felt them awkwardly wrap around his neck.

"Go."

He slowly moved out and then pushed himself back in, readjusting his hands on Kiku's hips before changing the angle and trying again. He began to move at a steady pace, hearing Kiku's breathing pick up again. He pulled Japan's legs around him and the other nation recognized the gesture and wrapped them around his waist so he could penetrate deeper.

"Alfred!" He almost smirked when he found the sweet spot again, and started to drive in mercilessly at that angle. Luckily he was already at his ends because it didn't take long for either of them to finish. He had only stroked the Japanese nation a couple times before he threw his head back and cried out as he orgasmed. America soon followed; his groan seemed to echo in the poorly lit room.

They lay there for a few minutes, trying to catch their breaths and remember how to work their bodies properly again. Finally Kiku found the outline of his face and pulled his close. They clumsily bumped noses, but finally were able to have their good night kiss.

"Thank you."

"Hah, どういたしまし て?" (You're welcome?)

x

"CHINA'S COMING?"

Kiku winced at the loud outburst, watching as his new lover paced around in the rock garden outside his house. It held many sakura trees, but their blooming season was already over, and instead they provided temporary relief from the scorching August sun. The small pond with koi fish was the only tranquil sound that morning.

"He's going to KILL me!" He exclaimed frantically. "He knew I was here and now he's coming to murder me! I won't even be able to get 'I'm sorry' out before he beats me to death with that frying pan of his!" He paused and then put his hands to his face. "And I won't even get to know what part he's killing me for; the whole Russia thing or because he's being over-protective!"

He even made beating gestures with his arm to emphasize the notion of Yao beating him with the wok. Japan didn't even try to correct him on the difference between a frying pan and a wok either; it would fall on deaf ears. However it did sober him up to hear about China acting as his older brother. He had been by a week previously, to finish political business, but he had barely spoken more than two words to Japan.

Alfred realized his mistake and went to go comfort his boyfriend, but he looked past Kiku and shrieked like a little girl before finding comfort behind a tree and hiding there. He only realized after that the raven-haired nation hadn't followed. Japan shook his head and almost smiled, but instead he turned around to greet the sight of China, who had just come around the bend in the path and probably hadn't seen the blonde at all. The entrance to the garden could be seen from the small hill they were on, but the trees covered them pretty well.

The younger of the two oriental nations bowed his head and stared stubbornly at the grassy floor. He was unable to meet the golden eyes of the man who once treated him like a son. There was silence for a moment as the red-clad nation sized him up. From his line of sight he could see that China had worn traditional robes of a scarlet color. Finally the bottom of those robes came into his sight and then a hand touched under his chin and lifted his head.

Alfred was scared Yao was going to slap Kiku, but instead he spoke with a voice that surprised the blonde by sounding very strong and commanding. Something he was only used to hearing from Germany.

"Look me in the eyes, Honda, Kiku. Long past are the days when you can pretend you respect me. You forced us to become equals, and you will not pretend otherwise."

And Japan complied, lifting his head so he could stare into the golden eyes of his older predecessor. They had what appeared to be a battle of wills that the American couldn't even begin to understand and then China walked around him, and put his hands into his sleeves. Once again the youngest of the three of them feared for his little boyfriend's life, but Yao simply walked on; staring into the distance.

"I have gone to see Russia, aru." He announced, perhaps a little too loudly for just Kiku, and if he could see the blue-eyes nation hiding he would see the flinch. "Which, I will admit, was probably foolish. However I have lived these past few years in fear of facing what will hurt me. So I am here today." He turned back around and stared at the shorter-haired male, who was still standing where the eldest nation had left him. Although his head was bowed and Alfred could tell he was probably trying not to cry.

"I do not know why you did what you did, aru." Yao said much lower, more privately. "However, you are still my flesh and blood. I have come to think that you were possessed by the lust of war, and I ask you to let me believe this and not to correct me." There was relief in the air and Kiku stared at China, disbelief clear in his expression. If America believed it possible, he looked like he wanted to do nothing more than break into a smile and hug the older nation.

Japan looked like he was going to speak but Yao lifted his hand to silence him. Instead he turned, with deadly accuracy in pinpointing where the blonde was, and spoke to Alfred.

"And, Alfred Jones, if you ever go near Ivan Braginski again I will rip out _every_ artery and vein you possess. And if, by chance you are still alive by then, I shall start on capillaries." The situation would be funny if America wasn't so terrified. "I know you are there!" He barked out, and Alfred jumped and walked out of his hiding place, knowing irritating the older nation would probably not be a good idea.

Yao sighed, completely losing his regal air, once Alfred walked rigidly by him and stood beside his boyfriend. China offered him half of a tired smile; as if he had finally done something he had wanted to do for quite some time.

"I suppose my blessing would mean nothing at this point. However as long as you don't do anything stupid to Japan and you head my warning then we shall get along well enough." Alfred nodded dumbly when he realized the red-clad nation was waiting for a response, and Kiku nodded as well. "Well then, I shall take my leave, aru. Goodbye Kiku, Mr. Jones."

And in a flourish of crimson, he was gone.

xXx

I am sorry, but I HAD to give China his retribution! Anyone who read 'The Air you took and the breath you left' may appreciate this last part…

Okhay, first of all, I don't LIKE this one. I think it's rather crappy. However, writing from America's point of view allowed me to do one thing I wasn't able to do before… Be EXTREMELY sarcastic and make it funny. If you didn't laugh at all during this than I have failed at what I was aiming for. This was supposed to me extremely awkward and funny, opting for the more upbeat song 'Why Georgia' instead of the darker 'Belief'.

Wow, it's done… I don't think this is going to hit me for a while…

FOR ANYONE INTERESTED: These are the songs that made the fictions and the lyric that was the distinguishing image I had in mind when writing them. I don't own John Mayor, obviously.

**The Waking Up is the Hardest Part- Germany/N. Italy**

Based off the song "Dreaming With a Broken Heart"

Lyric: _"You roll out of bed and down on your knees, and for a moment you can hardly breathe."_

The weight of what happened finally hit them; the pain cripples them.

**Not the Storm Before the Calm- France/England **

Based off the song "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room"

Lyric: _"Don't you think we ought to know by now? Don't you think we should have learned somehow?"_

After all the things they've been through, they should have learned the answer was right in front of them the whole time…

**Crawling Towards the Pillowcase- Cuba/Canada**

Based off the song "Your Body is a Wonderland"

Lyric: _"I love the shape you make when crawling towards the pillowcase."_

It was supposed to be light and fluffy, and I love this lyric. You can see Matthew doing this.

**The Air You Took and the Breath You Left- Russia/China **

Based off the song "Split Screen Sadness"

Lyric: _"'All we need is love' is a lie, 'cause we had love but we still said goodbye."_

The war still managed to tear them apart, and you need more than love or lust to make things work, so a double meaning lyric.

**But All I Feel is Alone- America/Japan **

Based off the song "Why Georgia"

Lyric: _"It might be a quarter life crisis, or just a stirring in my soul."_

I think America is going through a life crisis when he realizes the 'hero' is the one who ended up alone, even though they're supposed to always get the 'girl'…


End file.
